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Jokes
Apr 7, 2006 10:38:55 GMT -5
Post by Sonic on Apr 7, 2006 10:38:55 GMT -5
I honestly couldn't find the thread Ztrl made for jokes so I just had to make my own...these are some pretty funny jokes I found:
George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.
The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."
The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people unbelievably happy."
There's way more where that came from.
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Jokes
Apr 7, 2006 10:51:16 GMT -5
Post by RELLIK on Apr 7, 2006 10:51:16 GMT -5
lmao.funny gotta tell my pops this one.
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Jokes
Apr 7, 2006 11:00:12 GMT -5
Post by Sonic on Apr 7, 2006 11:00:12 GMT -5
lol heres another:
Man, Woman, Sleeping Compartment A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
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Jokes
Apr 7, 2006 11:35:55 GMT -5
Post by Nightmare on Apr 7, 2006 11:35:55 GMT -5
*admits that the first joke was kinda funny*
I got a joke for ya.
In America, you eat lunch. In Soviet Ruissia, lunch eats YOU!
XD
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Jokes
Apr 7, 2006 12:00:44 GMT -5
Post by Sonic on Apr 7, 2006 12:00:44 GMT -5
lol....since you think the George Bush one is funny (gasp!) here's some more for ya:
Bush, Einstein and Picasso When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.
And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?"
Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.
When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, "Well heck, I dont know."
St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"
Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"
St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."
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Jokes
Apr 7, 2006 12:03:19 GMT -5
Post by Nightmare on Apr 7, 2006 12:03:19 GMT -5
hehehe, don't push it now..XD
Alright, funny one.
So these two guys walk into a bar, one says ow, the other ducks.
XD
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Jokes
Apr 7, 2006 12:16:21 GMT -5
Post by Sonic on Apr 7, 2006 12:16:21 GMT -5
lol wtf?! *is laughing*
Ok...different topic then:
Sunday School Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
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Jokes
Apr 7, 2006 12:17:53 GMT -5
Post by Nightmare on Apr 7, 2006 12:17:53 GMT -5
A little inappropriate, but all in all.
XD!
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Jokes
Apr 7, 2006 12:37:33 GMT -5
Post by Sonic on Apr 7, 2006 12:37:33 GMT -5
hehehe...there's waay more innapropriate ones, but I just post the tamer ones: Bishop And The Ass A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day. www.jokes.comedycentral.com
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Jokes
Apr 9, 2006 20:27:57 GMT -5
Post by Ztrl on Apr 9, 2006 20:27:57 GMT -5
what?! it got deleted???
NOOOOOOOO!!!
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Jokes
Apr 10, 2006 10:08:47 GMT -5
Post by RELLIK on Apr 10, 2006 10:08:47 GMT -5
lmao. ASS joke. more more more more
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Jokes
Apr 10, 2006 15:38:55 GMT -5
Post by Sonic on Apr 10, 2006 15:38:55 GMT -5
Ok Rellik, heres more:
Talking Italian A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: ''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.'' Now before you say it's innapropriate, Nightmare, read the WHOLE thing ;D
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Jokes
Apr 10, 2006 19:12:47 GMT -5
Post by Xero Bloodline on Apr 10, 2006 19:12:47 GMT -5
So these two guys walk into a bar, one says ow, the other ducks. That's my joke.... It has a few variations, but that's still my joke. Here's a classic I'm sure you all know, the Empire State Bar joke. This guy goes to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York City. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. “This is a nice place. I’ve never been here.” The first guy says. “Oh, really?” The other replies, “It’s also a very special bar.” “Why is that?” the first guy asks. “Well you see that painting on the far wall? That’s an original Van Gogh and this stool I’m sitting on was on the Titanic.” “Gee, that’s amazing!” the first guy says. “Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you’ll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you’re pushed back up.” “No way. that’s impossible.” the first guy replies. “Not at all, take a look,” the other man replies and walks over to the window followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. “See, it’s fun. You should try it,” he says. "Try it? I don’t even believe I saw it!” the first man shouts. “It’s easy. Watch. I’ll do it again.” And with that, he jumps out of the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. “Go ahead, give it a try, its a blast,” he says. “Well what the hell. OK, I’ll give it a try,” the first man says and proceeds to jump out of the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50... 100... 200... 300... 400... 500... 1000 feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk below. After calmly watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, “You know Superman, you’re a real ass when you’re drunk.”
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swimstud600
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Jokes
Apr 10, 2006 19:32:10 GMT -5
Post by swimstud600 on Apr 10, 2006 19:32:10 GMT -5
Lmao Xero
Ok so I'm not sure if I've told this joke yet but I can't find it so here goes. Ztrl and Fusion have been randomly selected to help me with this joke. XD. Ok, the 3 of us are driving around in a car when we crash head on into another car and all die. When we go up to heaven, God says he'll send us all back if we all promise never ever to kill a duck, otherwise we will be punished. None of us question this, being so relieved to get a second chance. One year later, I'm out driving my car and I accidently run over a duck. The next day, I wake up next to this fat, ugly, demanding woman and find out I'm married to her. WTF?! Then I heard God's voice and remembered the punishment. That month, Ztrl is out hunting. He shoots a goose, but upon closer examination it turns out to be a duck. The next morning he meets the same fate. A year later Ztrl, Fusion and I meet up again, Ztrl and I with our respective wives. Fusion is with this amazing woman, the sweetest most beautiful girl you've ever soon. Ztrl and I look at Fusion enviously and ask, "How the heck did you get with her?!" His wife looks at us, sighs and replies, "Oh, I ran over a duck."
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Jokes
Apr 11, 2006 10:35:23 GMT -5
Post by Ztrl on Apr 11, 2006 10:35:23 GMT -5
EY! not cool man, not cool XD
ok, time to kill every joke that you've read so far.
A blonde called her mom on the phone and said, "Hi mom! I am having fun on my vacation, but I have one question to ask before I get off the phone". "Where am I?"
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