ochelshrub
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Post by ochelshrub on Mar 14, 2009 22:11:50 GMT -5
Chuuck Norris... enough said.
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swimstud600
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Post by swimstud600 on Apr 20, 2009 23:09:47 GMT -5
He shouldn't have a weakness to lightning. Everything else is spot on.
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Post by Tony on Apr 21, 2009 13:54:02 GMT -5
The Titanic did not sink from striking an iceberg. Chuck Norris inadvertently crapped in the ship's path.
Chuck Norris is the best Counter-Strike player there ever was. And he doesn't even use a computer to play.
As a young boy, Chuck Norris never would beat up other kids at school and take their lunch money. He would just beat them up.
If you shout his name out your window, Chuck Norris will hear you.
Chuck Norris thought that the television show "The Amazing Race" was a reality show about white people.
Chuck Norris has two emotions: Anger and Rage.
On Chuck Norris' tax returns, he claims the world as his dependents.
Chuck Norris has only visited Europe once. This tragic occasion is now referred to as the Bubonic plague.
If you attempt to correct Chuck Norris' grammar, Chuck Norris will demonstrate his appreciation by "correcting your vertical alignment".
Somewhere, right now, Chuck Norris is plowing a woman he doesn't love.
When Chuck Norris goes cow tipping, he does not touch the cow. He stares it down until it falls over.
The Ark of the Covenant can be found in Chuck Norris' beard.
Chuck Norris' face can make a grown man cry, and his fist can then punch that man in the face for being such a whiny bitch.
If meteorologists really want to predict where tornadoes will form, all they have to do is follow Chuck Norris around and watch for roundhouse kicks.
Chuck Norris coined the term "69" when he made a girl orgasm 69 times by rubbing his beard against her buttcheek.
Recently Chuck Norris asked President Bush to go to lunch. However, the President said he was too busy searching for weapons of mass destruction. When he heard this, Chuck Norris flexed his biceps and said, "You found them right here." Then everyone within ten miles exploded, except for Chuck.
In 1983, Chuck Norris announced he was releasing a heavy metal album, Round House. Scared that he would punish anyone who gave it a bad review, the album was praised and soared to number one. However, the album contains no music or singing at all, just the sound of screaming Vietnamese children and the swoosh of a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris dared Washington to chop down the cherry tree, he gave Lincoln his first hat and he told Benjamin Franklin to, "Go fly a kite." Who else could America have come from?
Chuck Norris is not a vegetarian. He knows that extended periods of vegetarianism only lead to a multitude of small girl thingys growing on your skin until you eventually become a giant girl thingy.
When Chuck Norris had birthday parties as a kid, he used a live donkey as a piñata.
They once held a season of the television show "Suvivor" at Chuck Norris' ranch. Sadly enough, nobody survived that season.
Chuck Norris could have been a lumberjack but he was too manly.
Secret CIA prisons are a myth created to cover up Chuck Norris' recently acquired hobby of tracking down and torturing terrorists around the globe.
When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame.
1337 $p33k was originally invented after Chuck Norris kicked too much ass for one of his victims to continue using real English.
Chuck Norris was the Red, Black, Blue and White Rangers all at once.
Chuck Norris does not bathe with soap or water. His body naturally sweats Mr. Clean.
The phrase "Made by Chuck Norris" is imprinted beneath the surface of China.
Chuck Norris consumed blue cotton candy, marshmallows, and crack. Then he crap out the Smurfs.
If you call out the name "Chuck Norris" three times while making love to a virgin, she will forever believe you to be the biggest and best lover she ever had. At least, until the real Chuck Norris gets to her.
Chuck Norris currently holds the record for the most money won in a single game of Jeopardy. He simply buzzed in for every question and then solemnly stared at Alex Trebek until Trebek awarded him credit. In the Final Jeopardy round, Norris wagered all his winnings and then answered by drawing a picture of himself.
Chuck Norris required people he met in 1942 to have 2 pairs of lips. One pair to kiss his ass, and another to kiss yours goodbye. And this is the reason the USS Arizona sank.
Many Strongmen rip phone books in half using their bare hands to demonstrate their strength. Chuck Norris rips Strongmen in half using a TV Guide. Scientists are baffled...
Chuck Norris prefers Pepsi to Coke, McDonald's to Burger King, and, surprisingly, Mr. Pibb to Dr. Pepper. When asked why, Chuck Norris responded with, "I don't trust Doctors." Then, he shot lasers out of his eyes, and ate the hearts of everyone in the room.
Chuck Norris once won a monster truck rally using nothing but a skateboard and an RC remote control car battery.
Chuck Norris drives a car made entirely of "Support our troops" ribbons which is powered solely by patriotism. Reportedly the car gets seventy miles to the gallon and has enough room in the trunk to house entire senate meetings.
To make Wolverine appear even more bad-assed for future generations, Marvel has decided to switch Wolverine's adamantium skeleton with one coated in pure Chuck Norris.
Whenever you walk into a diner, be sure to tell em', "Chuck Norris sent me."
If one were to compile an exhaustive list of every feat Superman has performed in seventy years of comic books, the list would represent the typical daily activities of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris recently parted the Red Sea, so he could win a bet with God. Chuck is now immortal and is currently debating with God that he could beat him in an arm wrestling match.
In defiance of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, Chuck Norris can know a particle's position and velocity at the same time. This is because particles stand where Chuck tells them to, and stay there until he lets them leave... if they know what's good for them.
Chuck Norris once crossed a baby seal lying on the ground injured. He then proceeded to make a delicious sandwich.
Much like the biblical legend Samson, Chuck Norris's beard is the source of his power. Shave it off, and he becomes merely a mortal who could still kick your ass.
Chuck Norris knows the trouble you've seen. Chuck Norris knows your sorrow. In fact, there's a greater than 95% chance he caused it.
Chuck Norris once sent Strong Bad an E-mail, asking how he types with boxing gloves on. He received a polite, detailed response.
To Chuck Norris, the cup isn't half full or half empty, but all usually deadly.
In 2002, a consortium of the finest mathematicians, computer scientists, and game theorists got together with the goal of creating something Chuck Norris couldn't beat. After 12 long months they had created the greatest tic-tac-toe program ever devised. Chuck Norris beat it in two moves.
Chuck Norris once got stuck in an elevator. He ate his way out.
This entire galaxy and even the universe itself is just a speck of dust in the beard of a greater, cosmic Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once beat Prince in a game of basketball. He then demanded Prince change his name to a symbol.
Chuck Norris helps out NASA by throwing astronauts into space.
Chuck Norris was the first human to willingly snort anthrax, all he did was sneeze and out came Steven Seagal and Jet Li.
Chuck Norris remembers the Alamo, and he isn't happy about it.
Everything Chuck Norris touches does not turn to gold; instead it grows a beard.
Chuck Norris eats pirates and shits ninjas.
Chuck Norris has defined the word "upchuck" as when Chuck kicks someone so hard in the testicles that they vomit out their entire digestive tract.
For his Total Gym infomercials, they use a body double for Chuck Norris. Not because he isn't jacked, but because to see his actual body without a shirt would cause every man in America to kill themselves in shame.
Chuck Norris went on "Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader?" and once again proved that Chuck Norris can whoop the crap out of any 5th grader.
They say MacGyver can make anything out of paperclips and string using only his hands. Well, Chuck Norris can make anything out of MacGyver using only his fists.
Chuck Norris trained his pet mouse to hunt tigers.
If you drink a case of beer, a fifth of scotch, and a Red Bull, you can see Chuck Norris' face on the moon. If you want to see Chuck smile have your friend roundhouse kick you.
Every time someone wins the World Heavyweight Championship in the WWE, the corporate office must, by Texas law, send an official letter to Chuck Norris reminding him that the match was scripted. If this does not happen even once, Chuck Norris will destroy every WWE superstar that has ever existed.
Terrorists recently attempted to hijack Chuck Norris' private plane. This resulted in the world record for farthest distance a cowboy boot has been stuck up someone's ass.
One must promptly recognize Chuck Norris... always. One time, my buddy said, "Is that Chuck N-", and his head exploded.
The average life expectancy for a paratrooper in Vietnam was 17 seconds. The average life expectancy after calling Chuck Norris "Chucky" to his face is -7 seconds.
Chuck Norris' beard is the inspiration for modern day steel wool.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: "kill" and "fudge your girlfriend."
Chuck Norris once brought a man back to life twice and killed him three times because the man had the audacity to die before Chuck Norris was finished killing him.
Any contradictions you may see in Chuck Norris facts are not actually contradictions, as Chuck Norris lives in multiple realms of Space and Time.
Chuck Norris routinely brings bombs on airplanes, but people are too afraid to tell him to stop.
In fifth grade Chuck Norris was the one to explain the birds and the bees to his classmates. Too bad he did it on show and tell day and knocked up his teacher.
Chuck Norris got a letter in the mail one day from his "biggest fan" asking for his autograph. This happened to be a woman. Chuck Norris went to her house, fudgeed her, and then he round house kicked her to the face. Surprisingly, as she died, she gave birth to Vin Diesel.
Chuck Norris' chin hairs are far too strong to by cut with a mere razor. In fact, that's the reason why he keeps his beard at a constant 1 inch: that's as close as the lawnmower can cut.
A man was standing on the edge of the Empire State Building threatening to jump to his death. Chuck Norris was called in to talk the man down. After successfully persuading the man not to jump, Chuck Norris sucker punched him right off the building.
Chuck Norris does not mow his lawn, he simply performs a roundhouse kick demonstration from the porch, and the grass wilts in fear.
Every time you litter, Chuck Norris cries, then he'll roundhouse kick your grandma.
The Video Game company "Nintendo" was founded by Chuck Norris when he gave birth to a "Nintendo Entertainment System" after swallowing several Asian businessman whole.
Chuck Norris was once convicted of murder and imprisoned at Alcatraz. He escaped and wrote an article about it in the New York Times entitled "How I Spent A Weekend in San Francisco."
Chuck Norris started the ever popular beating someone's ass with their own shoe.
Originally, Survivor was going to have 16 people put on an island with Chuck Norris. The final person left alive was to be given a million dollars and an autographed card from Chuck, which would read, "I'll be back for you later."
Many religious scholars wonder why the Antichrist has not come yet. It's because Chuck Norris refuses to die.
In Vulcan, the same word is used for both "Awesome" and "Chuck Norris".
The best offense is Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris first saw the ten commandments written in stone, he was angered that god did not include his name. He then gave Moses a wedgie and karate chopped the Commandments in several peices. Moses snickered as he made off with the real copy, to this day, Chuck Norris will punch anyone who brings up the subject of the the ten commandments in hope that it could be Moses in disguise.
One time, Chuck Norris played Monopoly. When he was sent to jail, Chuck passed GO, collected 200 dollars, did your girlfriend, and bought all your properties. No one plays Monopoly with Chuck anymore.
After Chuck Norris has consumed all human and animal life, he will eat himself. Only after that would Chuck consider eating vegetables.
Chuck Norris has more body hair then all three members of ZZ Top combined.
Chuck Norris can catch a fly with one chopstick.
Chuck Norris was originally to be cast as the protagonist in Terminator. He denied, since he has already stopped a time war between machines and mankind. Twice.
Tiger Woods challenged Chuck Norris to a long drive contest. Tiger's ball went 356 yards, Chuck's ball exploded on impact with the club, killing thousands.
Chuck Norris once destroyed the entire world, but rebuilt it faster than the human mind can comprehend, so no one noticed.
Thomas Edison tried over 1000 different materials while developing the light bulb. He tried some of Chuck's beard trimmings but found the light NEVER burnt out.
Chuck Norris once claimed that Clear Pepsi, "was for queers." The following day, Pepsi pulled the product from shelves.
Chuck Norris wrote every single edition of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. He wrote them under pen-names to hide that they are autobiographical.
Cats are actually given 10 lives. Upset by this, Chuck Norris vowed no animal will have 10 lives and to this day roundhouse kicks every kitten upon birth, leaving them with only 9 lives.
When you hear that snap, crackle and pop in your Rice Krispies, that really Chuck Norris round house kicking the crap out of the elves.
The US State Department has tried to hire Chuck Norris because he can kick ass in 29 different languages, as well as 5 dialects of Chinese.
Chuck Norris doesn't courtesy flush. Ever.
Chuck Norris once tried to play baseball. When it was his turn to hit, he left the bat behind and decided he would roundhouse kick it. The pitcher threw the fastest pitch he could, but the ball blew up half way to the plate out of fear.
Chuck Norris performs a tumbleroll when he enters any room. Not for protection, but because it looks cool as hell.
Chuck Norris killed the creator of color by numbers for telling him what to do.
The Nile flows north because Chuck Norris told it to.
One time a foolish young man made direct eye contact with Chuck Norris while asking him for his autograph. Chuck Norris became so angry that he ejaculated fluorosulfuric acid at a velocity near the speed of sound into the boys chest, carving a fleshwound that spelled out "Best wishes, Chuck Norris" in cursive. He then went back to drinking his delicious Pearl beer.
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